How to Recognize the Signs of Codependency
Thanks to pop culture, we’ve all learned some counterproductive lessons about relationships. Success, we’re led to believe, consists of finishing each other’s sentences and “completing” someone else. While there can be that kind of mystical magic in a healthy relationship, more often than not, these concepts are red flags. They could be signs of codependency.
When a couple consists of a taker and a giver, a victim and a rescuer, it’s a slippery slope toward dysfunction. Partners can become virtually addicted to the idea of being in a relationship, so much so that they control one another in the name of staying together. Codependency sneaks up on you, and learning to recognize its signs is essential.
How to Recognize the Signs of Codependency
Most people — especially in the age of social media — seek some form of external approval. When it comes to codependency, this tendency can be taken to an extreme level. A need for approval and a fear of abandonment may be expressed differently by each person, but it’s all variations on the same theme.
Generally speaking, you go above and beyond what anyone might expect you to do. It’s not just compromises; you make sacrifices — especially for your romantic partner. This can include changing your lifestyle and even your personality. However, despite a pretense of selflessness, you want approval for your efforts. When that’s not forthcoming, you feel hurt and resentful. Even so, you avoid conflict and keep it to yourself.
Here are some more red flags to watch for:
Lack of intimacy
Difficulty setting, enforcing, and respecting boundaries
Controlling others in the name of “helping” them
Passive-aggressive communication
Unable to feel good unless you believe your partner feels good
Difficulty saying no to each other
Only socializing with your partner
Seeing each other as “helpless”
Is Codependency Impacting Your Relationship?
A codependent relationship feels like a trap. You’re both unhappy and feel misunderstood. But, rather than risk conflict by talking about it, you stick with the program because you believe you couldn’t live without each other. Other signs of a codependent relationship might include:
Conflict Avoidance: As mentioned above, you see this as a helpful move. In reality, you sustain conflict by resorting to passive-aggressive tactics to get your points across.
Nothing Feels Like Enough: No matter how much you do as a victim or a rescuer, it never feels like enough. You worry endlessly about what your partner “really” thinks of you.
Other Kinds of Worry: You need to always know where your partner is and that they are “safe.”
Finding Purpose in the Dysfunction: On either end of a codependent tug-of-war, purpose is found in the daily mission to fix each other.
In the end, both partners appear to be on a mission to save the other. By “save,” they unconsciously mean to change their partner to conform to their anxious needs. Lots of unsolicited suggestions are given. This causes self-doubt and the need for reassurance. From there, the cycle starts up again.
Outside Help Can Be Indispensable
Codependency can be mistaken for a “match made in heaven.” You do everything together, finish each other’s sentences, and never seem to fight. To the eyes of a therapist, these may be viewed differently. Committing to therapy for couples is an ideal step for parsing out your daily patterns, habits, and interactions. Under the watchful eye of an unbiased guide, you can start recognizing trends like enabling and caretaking.
In addition, you’ll work together to excavate underlying causes. The roots of a codependent relationship can go back many years. If both partners do the work, their couples therapist can facilitate essential discoveries. From there, it becomes easier to discern new approaches. I invite you to reach out soon.
