Real Talk with Hortencia
"Life can still be beautiful, meaningful, fun, and fulfilling even if things don't turn out the way you planned."
~ Lori Deschene
~ Lori Deschene
Just like many other people, I too struggle with change. I’m not sure if it’s fear of the unknown, having to adjust to something different, or fear of failing. Whatever the reason might be – change is definitely uncomfortable for me.
However, I’ve learned to shut my eye and dive into change (figuratively speaking). I think of it like when I was a kid and I’d stand at the edge of the pool wondering how cold the water was going to be but back then I didn’t wonder for too long, eventually I just dove in. Sometime the water was so cold that it would knock the wind out of me and I’d gasp for air until I adjusted, other times I’d jump in and all was find.
Change in life is no different. Think about it – you jump into change be it leaving or starting a new job, ending or starting a relationship, buying a house or ordering a new/different meal at your favorite restaurant. It will either knock the air out of you and you will gasp for air until you adjust or nothing happens and the change is seamless. The thing is, we won’t know until we’re actually in it. And the longer we contemplate something the more excuses we find to put it off or simply not do it at all. I can speak for myself when I say that in spending too much time contemplating whether or not change should happen I’ve missed opportunities.
As you can see I’ve made some changes to my website and I now have a business name: Toltec Therapy Services. I contemplated the change, I fought the change, and I gave in to change and now I make it work (gasping for air until I adjust). So I guess this is my long winded way of inviting you to witness and enjoy my change. WELCOME!
“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” ~ George Bernard Shaw
As a therapist sometimes, well, just a little bit more than sometimes, but who’s counting, I have bad days, mad days, sad days, angry days, rude days and even depressed days, Yeah, I’m a therapist but I’m also human. And on the days that I can’t seem to get anything right or on the days that “nothing” seams to piss me off I try to remember to ask myself – What went right in this very ugly day? And the image of my grandson’s beautiful face comes to mind, I remember the positive conversation I had with my supervisor, or I think about the friend I ran into and how nice it was to see her again – and in remembering the nice things that happened I stop focusing on the negative things. And in talking about the good things I realize that maybe my day wasn’t all bad.
If from time to time you find yourself going through an off day, or two, ask yourself “What has gone right” and make it a point to focus some, or all, of your attention on the positive. However, if you find yourself stuck with more bad days than not for more days than you care for – feel comfortable to reach out to this therapist how also has had some crappy days of herself.
"Very little is needed to make a happy life;
it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking."
~ Marcus Aurelius
Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that are less than fair, in situations that we didn’t ask to be in or did nothing to cause it, but yet, here we are, having to deal with it.
At times there’s nothing we can do to change a situation and feeling hopeless and pissed-off is all we think we have left. But that’s not always true. Hear me out for a minute – we may not be able to control the situation BUT we can control how we choose to react to the situation. And if we’re able to decipher between what is within our control and what is out of our control we can say we have won half the battle. Ridiculous? Not so much and here's why. I can’t change that someone, for whatever reason, has chosen to act like a jerk with me but I can control how I choose to react to them. I can choose to allow the jerk to bring out the worst in me or I can choose to control my reaction and work on being a better person. I can choose to engage or I can choose to walk away, I can choose to yell back or remain calm. I can choose to fight back physically or destructively or I can choose to fight back intelligently and actually accomplish something. Notice something? Not once have I mentioned changing the situation because that may be out of my control. However, my entire focus has been only on how I choose to react.
We always have choices – they may not be the choices we want to deal with but they are still choices.
My go to prayer:
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.”
Let’s start by taking a deep breath, imagine there’s a balloon in your stomach and when you inhale you’re inflating the balloon. Inhale through you nose and allow the air to flow down to your stomach, hold it for 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 and release through your mouth on the count of 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1. Do this several more times – as many times as you need. I want you to notice that if you're focusing your attention on your breath you’re unable to think about anything else. This is something you can use on the days that you’re feeling emotional, overwhelmed, crappy or just need a break from life.
We forget that we have needs just like the needs of everyone else we care for; taking the kids to school, to practice, go to work and/or run errands, cook dinner, clean the house, do laundry and somehow still be in the mood for sex. We give, do and care for others and put ourselves on the back burner constantly. Before we know it we’re moody, tired and/or emotional, feeling unappreciated and we still keep on going. Oh, wait, I forgot to mention putting our finances in line – hell, we do it all and yet do very little for ourselves.
I’m going to ask you to stop just for one moment – just for the moment you sit in front of this blog. Take a deep breath – focus on your breath. Relax just for a moment and breath. Try to practice this several times during the day, think of it as recharging your internal battery.
Today, focus on the breath.
Why is it that I know I have more things to be grateful for than things to be unhappy about but yet feeling “blue” seems to overshadow every other feeling I could be experiencing? Falling into this blaah feeling is easy and it happens effortlessly, I hate it, and getting out of it takes work, which sucks. It should be as easy to get out of the “blue” feeling as it is to fall into it. But anyway, if you do find yourself feeling “off” there are some things you can do to fight off this feeling, it’s not easy, but it can be done. For instance, I can say that I allowed a petty disagreement with my husband to bother me longer than was necessary. When I realized why I was feeling down I took a trip down memory lane and thought of all the good times we’ve recently had. I thought of the dorky thing he said that made me laugh, I thought of the nice things he does for me, and I remembered that we don’t always have to agree, a healthy relationship also has disagreements. Before I knew it, I was feeling better and I was able to get work done. The thing to remember is, during the holidays it’s more common to feel “off” and not know why we’re feeling this way. If you find yourself feeling “off” try keeping a log of how you’ve been feeling, has it been a day, a few days or even weeks? Also, try to do things you enjoy, things that make you feel happy or at least “OK”. And finally, if you simply can’t kick that ugly feeling, consider getting professional help. Remember – life doesn’t have to be crumbling into a million pieces to speak to a professional, sometimes just feeling “off” is a good enough reason.
There’s this thing called the “All or Nothing Mentality.” Seems pretty harmless at first, but let’s really dig into this type of thinking.
If this “All or Nothing Mentality” is applied to relationships, any type of relationship, it has the potential to, at best damage and at worst destroy the relationship. I think it’s pretty safe to say that we’ve all, at some point in our lives, heard the expression: “If you love me then you won’t … (you fill in the blank).” Personally, when I’ve heard this said to me I’ve rolled my eyes so far back into my head that I swear I’ve gotten a glimpse of my brain and the only thing the other person got from me was the best of my sarcasm. This phrase implies that if the other person does whatever is being discussed then they must not love you, but come on now, is this completely true? This is an absolute state of mind, it’s either black or white, no compromise, also not cool. But if this mentality has worked for you then don’t change a thing. However, if thinking this way hasn’t gotten you the results you’ve been looking for then come with me to the “gray” side.
Being in the “gray” side doesn’t mean that because I’m willing to hear you out and have a conversation with you about something that we don’t necessarily agree on that I’m weak or that I’m a push-over. It simply means that I’m going to respect your point of view and hopefully we can come to some type of understanding through compromise and negotiation. And if we can’t come to an understanding – then I’ve just learned something about you that you feel really passionate about.
If everyone we care about and everyone we love is within reach, just a phone call away or in good health then it's easy to recite a list of things we are thankful for. But how do we make sense of this holiday when we are witnessing our life slowly turn upside down? When the person we love is so far removed from us that nothing we do or say will bring them closer to us? Being far from that one person you miss so much can make Thanksgiving really suck! But my question to you is this: Who the hell said Thanksgiving has to be on the day 3rd Thursday in November? Let's think about Thanksgiving in February or March or whenever you get to be with that one person. And if being with that person is simply not possible then it is during this time that our most difficult work lays before us. In order to find something to be thankful for we must reach deep within ourselves and find the courage and bravery to find that one thing, person or reason that keeps us going.